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song draft

Thu Jul 16, 2009, 7:44 PM
  • Mood: Insecure
  • Listening to: if i cut my hair hawaii will sink by chiodos
i have this song i've been trying to write for a while now but i can't get the lines to work right. nor can i figure out one more verse

crit this please. i want serious scrutiny of this. if you have any way to make the words fit better or ideas of lines or something. anything. i want to get this done

chorus:
I’m sure the other me is crazy
Because I know that I am sane
We are each a different person
Yet we both live in my brain
And every time he comes around
I turn into something that I hate
I’m crying out in desperation
But fearing help will come too late

verses:
The love and care inside me is hidden
By the fury on my face
One moment mad, another sad
Once one is gone another takes its place

I’m holding myself hostage
Though I struggle all I can
Its so hard to fight the opposition
When you and your enemy are the same man

Devious Comments

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:iconkioreija:
:hug: It's very good. I'm not sure of the timing, so it's hard to judge the syllables of the words; but good use of rhyme. :)
:iconshikathefox:
It sounds really good to me. I especially like your use of rhyme. But it's hard to tell how it would sound like as a song, plus I'm not much of a music person. Sorry, I wish I could help you. ^^;

--
Ninjas came from Canada; Japan stole our idea. :ninja: :flagcanada:
---
Home is where the heart is, so your real home's in your chest~ :music:
---
After he got out of the body cast, eighteen months later, he sold his soul to aliens for a green balloon!
:icondrgnkpx:
As for the music it should flow with the words no matter what genre. The lines, well, I think there should be a second verse describing the end result of the conflict within this person whether or not he overcomes himself.

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